Nostalgia...a homage to my school RKC

So strange is the human nature - we tend to miss things when they are gone but only when we realize they are gone. There was the annual prize giving function at my school and for the first time i'm feeling sad in considering it as my 'previous' institution. I went to the school, met with quite many school friends which had luckily returned at this time, went to the same stage which happily used to bear us all on top of it, received two prizes, met with the teachers, with many juniors and the mess, security and service staff, went for the cultural programmes held in the night, had a quasi batch reunion, climbed to the top of the hall and joined the juniors as they danced to the bhangra performance in the end and then it all seemed to be coming back to me - the school days, the tension free days of fun, enjoyment and excitement; when every single activity or even the foresights of such activities used to bring a current of joyous excitement, when we used to play cricket on the eves and afternoons of holidays, when successfully planning out a movie was no less than an achievement, when the curriculum studded with dramatics, football, cricket, athletics, debates and the regular studies was entertaining in itself! The daily altercations with the security guards at the gate on coming late and somehow managing to sneak in, exclusively attending half empty, half bunked classes, daily fall-ins, mess food, multi tasking at the multi purpose 'drinking water' place, tuitions and the thing common in all of these - friends! I'll be missing all of these so very badly!

There was something special about letting loose while dancing with friends - the lack of tension and the secured feeling of being together. Somehow I didn't feel the same vibes as i used to feel when we used to dance, the same vibes and hair raising excitement which i used to feel when my name was mentioned in the principal's speech and just as I started entering into my elements while enjoying the function, a constant self restraining force kept reminding me that it was all gone now, no more the same life which i had for 6 unforgettable years in rkc. Probably I don't want to grow up and I'm reminded of it time and again when I'm termed as a 'kid' (till now i used to think it was only in the college but now i know, it has spread everywhere)!

I remember when I had returned from Hyderabad after the 1st sem, I was chided by one of my friends when I bluntly replied to her simple question by telling that I was quite happy in college and strangely though, but did not miss rkc or friends back home or anything in the ejusdem generis! Probably nalsar is indeed such a place but now I realize that I had never before realized that the school and that life will not be there for me anymore. Just that now when I expect much more independence, I seem to want a bit of restrain too. Newton's law of inertia very aptly applies in real life as well, we do tend to resist changes but when by force the change occurs and stops we again feel the same comfort.

Now, when I know that I'll be going back to the college in a few days and especially after a hopeless first semester, will have much more work to do, I stubbornly and badly feel like reliving the school days but only when I realize that I can't, it makes me miss it more! Anyway, knowing the futility and non-feasibility of such wants and demands I try to take pride in at least being a successful product of the school and look forward to the second semester in the college and hope that it may be as fruitful and enjoyable, if not more, than what school was!

Life - questioning the basics of basics!

It’s only a few minutes to midnight and i’m feeling very philosophical. Certain happenings in the day, not at all distinctive but casual and routine affairs, yet took me into pondering and musing about life, questioning the basic accepted fundamentals of the conventionalism that life existed in. On the occasion of Eid, i went to visit a few people with my parents, the actual Eid visit was only at one place, rest all were casual ‘time-pass visits’ as i conceive them to be. So the Eid visit was at the director of judicial officers’ training institute, the same person with whom i had my stars when i first met him at discussed githa hariharan v. RBI, hindu minority and guardianship act, 1956 and almost everything of my then-quite-recent English viva which made us get along pretty well with each other. There I met his son and daughter, both NLIU and HNLU graduates, respectively, son a practising lawyer in cg hc and daughter just-about-to-be-a-registered-lawyer in cg hc. Then came there another senior friend of mine, son of one of my dad’s friend and another HNLU graduate who was also a just-about-to-be-a-registered-lawyer in some court which even he was considering. So contrary to the common back-home-feeling of ‘different-from-the-rest’, I felt quite like a sheep following those ahead as all those of my generation there were law graduates and issues of judicial officers. However, I didn’t mind that much as I knew I had just started law school life so still had a long time to let such futile thoughts bother me and besides, inevitably I was repeatedly reminded of the distinction I had because of nalsar! (Yes, that’s how we are considered a different species here and I laoouvvve it!).

Anyways, we moved on to another lawyer’s place for a casual visit. He was another person with whom i seemed to get along pretty well coz we had the mania for cricket in common. Though quite a senior advocate, he had a smart sporty personality and kept asking me about nalsar and a plethora of things about the place and as soon as we struck upon cricket with dad’s initiation we never really seemed to move to anything else till we left their place. It was at their place, however, that I suddenly had this philosophic attack on me and more of curiosity and liberal unconventional thinking than mere philosophy about life. Probably all the talks of cricket reinforced the romanticism of pondering over the existing assumptions of the conventionalism which people call ‘life’. It is one of those methods by which you can have total control over your heart, letting the mind have a bit of excess control and feel as you want to! The first result of that which I could notice – unlike my usual why-the-fuck-do-they-even-exist attitude, I started liking dogs, at least the one at their place – a golden Labrador named Simba. I was reminded of a chat I had with my ‘boredom-mascot’ friend over dogs and golden Labradors and I do admit that dog was fun! Anyway, amidst all discussions of career and achievements and hardships of professional life, I was thinking what life that dog Simba had who could conceive his whole world in a sack which he used to cover himself with due to winters and was too happy playing with it. After all, even he had a life but what purpose was there in his life? We went to a restaurant after that for a dinner from an uncle of mine. The driver stopped the car right in the middle of the road in front of the restaurant and opened the doors for us to dismount while the cars jamming up behind blared their horns. Probably one of the most embarrassing incidents possible! Then came my uncle who, in his rustic manner, pointed loudly at a couple sitting at a table considering it as most probable to be vacant earliest as we waited for a vacant table. (another extremely embarrassing moment, but I tried to be as indifferent as possible as he was our host and probably, after getting themselves known to many in the restaurant thanks to the loud gesture of my uncle, the couple would’ve left earlier than they would’ve normally left and it served to make our purpose easier!) I was staring at the exotic-looking fishes in the aquarium as we were waiting, and again the same question popped up in my mind – what life did those fishes have? Even they had a life after all, what purpose was there in their life? I was getting this feeling of a happy excitement of ruminating over these things and the lost-in-thoughts-cut-out-of-the-world feeling which people generally feel during crushes and on initial foresights of relationships but I was too lost in the curiosity of ‘what is life?’!

All that kept me busy thinking was why do the things exist as they are? What is the purpose of our life? When everyone knows the final destination, and if a person manages to travel his life till his final destination without any problems or through a hard way or full of achievements or being unknown, what is the difference? The aim of life till our final destination seems nothing but pursuit of happiness and trend is of such a pursuit where no one knows what happiness is, no one understands what he/she is looking for but still keeps going on in its search. Probably, happiness or satisfaction is too subjective to be realised when achieved. People say that hard work pays, but what does it pay? Achievement? Popularity? But what about the hardships and ignorance of that happiness which was sacrificed? Why is it considered good when people sacrifice things which make them happy to achieve a bigger goal? What’s the point of such an achievement? Why do people crave for such a superficial happiness? Why anything is considered good or bad? As mentioned in vag’s blog that subjectivity is the only thing which exists in objective perpetuity, but then again, why are certain things or habits or acts considered as good and others as bad? Why was the eldest son of one of my family friends considered as unsuccessful just because he couldn’t carry on with conventional studies as he was too interested in a practical field job in a mechanic garage and why is that job considered base just because it can be done without a formal degree of qualification? Why are things that do not benefit us considered bad? Why is relative comparison so inevitable in human nature? Why anything does not exist in absoluteness? What gives people pleasure and pain and why is pleasure pleasure and pain pain? What makes people in different areas differ in the ambit of liberty in their subjectivity with respect to conscience and every notion and the ‘life’ people conceive to be?

I remember being accused of narrow-mindedness by one of my friends in college when I commented that when people get high their brain stops working. Why were going by thought process and being governed by brain considered good and the otherwise bad? Well, seeing the non-feasibility of such an unconventional life, everyone does adopt to certain codes of conscience and conventionalism, thus, surrendering to the perpetual subjectivity that life comprises of as every single being differs in thoughts, perceptions and ‘conventions’ of life and its aspects but there do exist certain common grounds, the threshold of basic conscience and accepted conventionalism. Having such questions in mind as to reach the limit of being liberal in classification of good and bad can certainly help be optimistic, equally respectful and acceptable of and for others and now I realise why I was feeling so good about thinking on such questions.

The Ant and the Grasshopper - 'hel(l)'m of affairs!!

Not a stable mind of mine, as it is, I often keep oscillating between socialist and liberal views. Though I might somehow settle somewhere between the two by striking a balance, I realize the futility of spending time over such theoretical issues which don't have any meaning left in the way they are put to use in practice. Though socialist views are often considered to be noble, one must never be fanatic at it; one must never be fanatic at anything for that matter! An excess of such zeal with socialism (or rather to gain power which is the universal ultimate aim) often produces results worthy of mockery prima facie by reasonably sensible people. A very apt instance of such result is the quest for socialist substantive equality. The notion and the essence of it is undoubtedly very noble and morally acceptable but the implementation is equally unreasoned and mindless. Synonymous to the policies of Mohammad bin Tughlaq, the classifications done to establish classes of unequals in order to bring substantive equality are often based on such grounds which fail to correctly identify the deserving ones. Afterall, equality is not above ensuring welfare, and the form of equality sought to be achieved i.e. to place everyone on an equal pedestal in the superficial manner is practically impossible owing to basic human nature. Why do we confine our thinking and mindset to such narrow conventions? The first step to achieve substantive equality according to me is to change rusted typical mindset of considering classes of unequals, at leaast on the social grounds. In such a case, as of considering every job, every institute and every person socially respectable and 'equal', the most prominent difference that might exist will be on monetary basis but even that should be looked in light of what one deserves. 'We reap what we sow' and even the government cannot ensure everyone to be economically equal, or even aim for it as is done by substantive equality, when people differ in what they deserve to earn. Basically, my assumption is that only when people are ensured of what they deserve, equality is established and that things should be looked at holistically instead of an emotional jaundiced-eye-view to gain popular support. Formal equality becomes preferable over substantive equality when the classification done and the aim sought to be achieved by substantive equality goes beyond the limit of justified socialism to vote bank politics and to deteriorate the condition, those unjustly reaping benefits out of such distortion of substantive equality, or likely to do so, shamelessly demand for more. Anyway, all these thoughts are just to justify my blog's tagline and hold negligible value when it comes to real world state-of-affairs. By the way, these thoughts struck me when i read this amazing satire about the two different versions of the story of the Ant and the Grasshopper corresponding to the helm of affairs -

* Ant & Grasshopper *

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

* Modern Version*

The Ant works hard in the withering heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks the Ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. *NDTV, BBC, CNN * show up to provide pictures of the shivering Grasshopper next to a video of the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor Grasshopper is allowed suffering so? * Arundhati Roy ***stages a demonstration in front of the Ant's house . * Medha Patkar***goes on a fast along with other Grasshoppers demanding that Grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter.* Amnesty International and Koffi Annan *criticizes the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper. The *Internet* is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the Grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance) . * Opposition MPs *stage a walkout. Left parties call for "Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry. CPI(M) in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality ofpoverty among Ants and Grasshoppers. * Lalu Prasad *allocates one freecoach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath ' . Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the '*Prevention of Terrorism Against Grasshoppers Act ' *[POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.* Arjun Singh *makes '*Special Reservation *'for Grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services. The Ant; fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes; its home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the Grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV. Arundhati Roy calls it ' *A Triumph of Justice* ' . Lalu calls it '*Socialistic Justice *' . CPM calls it the ' *Revolutionary Resurgence of the Downtrodden *' Koffi Annan invites the Grasshopper to address the *UN General Assembly*.

* Many years later *

The Ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in * SiliconValley * . 100s of Grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India ... because of loosing lot of hard working Ants and feeding the Grasshoppers, * India is still a developing country!!!*

First day at the HC: everything but the internship!

This post is dated 17.11.2008, only posted two days later due to inaccessibility of internet.

“OK, enough of boredom, finally I will have some work now!” And thus I tried to don an optimistic outlook as I attempted this self consolatory effort while leaving Raipur early morning with dad for Bilaspur where the High Court is located. Despite my daily crooning at home for more than a week about joblessness and killing boredom, I somehow thought I’d miss being idle at home listening to loud music and chatting with friends online all day. Anyway, en route I started chatting with dad about my projects which need to be done in the otherwise worthless ‘library internship’ and any other possible work of some worth in case I could multitask for maximum utilization of time when he started talking about some judicial seminars scheduled ahead and with a workaholic mindset I kept getting lured by our discussion over such certain topics quite interesting to write an article or paper on. Quite an obscure and ineffable feeling it is indeed when you imagine getting your work published and start dreaming about a dream CV when you know there is no feasibility of immediate implementation of such aspirations as you are in a car in the middle of a highway, rather a no man’s land; quite reminiscent of a queer feeling I used to have in VK’s classes when he used to glorify hypothetical legends of people getting their publications in first semester itself and I used to start determining myself to ‘enjoy’ research on any topic and attempt such a heroic undertaking only until I used to enter the hostels to find such notions, probably due to the atmosphere of procrastination and lethargy and some social services for seniors, as some superhero dreams which mesmerize kids.

Thankfully though, now after having spent a day at the High Court with some externally casual but deeply encouraging and inspiring people certain law-school-ambitions seem revived and the haze of hopeless disinterest inducing laziness appeared to have been fading away to display parts of the hard-work monster. Certainly some fruit in the first day at the HC! The entry, I admit, was more like a setting of luck done with the maker. As I walked in dad’s chamber, there was running a discussion on guardianship rights of hindu women among three people including dad and the Director of Judicial Officers’ Training Institute who had recently read Githa Hariharan v. RBI in furtherance of their research on a seminar paper titled ‘Rights of Women in Personal Laws’. With the words at my fingertips owing to the much recently given viva on that case comment towards the end of first semester, I immediately got involved in the discussion and attempted to pronounce probable ratios of that case as I perceived it and quoting the exact provisions of law involved i.e. S.6(a) of HMG Act, 1956 and S.19(b) of GW Act, 1890, their exact wordings, interpretation given by the SC and even some case laws in support of my reasons for the stand I took with respect to the judgment which sent in a wave of amazement especially pleasing the Director (supra) who helped me further throughout the day. Quite a replay of my English viva it was but he didn’t know that when he asked me out of an incredible curiosity, “You’ve done just one semester! What do those people teach you there in five years?!?!” I was all smiles, ‘what luck!’ I thought.

HC library wasn’t as fascinating as I had fancied it to be – just another reality check to remind that libraries can never be fascinating! It was, quite rationally though, too vast for any just-cleared-first-semester guy to find it useful. There was a sickening air of unease and misfit as I embarrassingly took a holistic view of the library to find most of its tables occupied by senior citizens donned in black robes and frowns of frustration and arrogance giving me a who-the-fuck-is-he-in-this-‘high court’-library look. And to aggravate this rapidly declining interest of mine, the library had all reporters of the world except the AIR 1959 SC which was exactly what I was looking for! After struggling through to the alternate citations, I somehow managed to get a copy of the wanted case from a source reached through research till the evening. Though I had an unforgettable experience in the break after lunch when I visited two court rooms and saw actual court proceedings live – one in a civil court room and the other in a criminal court room. The civil court room was boring me off to sleep, probably due to the low on life over aged counsel for the appellants who just kept reading everything out to the judge in his multi-lingual attempt to present his arguments and whenever interestingly contradicted by the more renowned and energetic opposition counsel, replied very annoyingly and crooned and rebuked. The criminal court room, on the other hand, had a supposedly stud lawyer, who had apparently exceeded certain limits of seniority (though our Prof. Vepa defies the very existence of any limit on seniority), who was the counsel for appellants in this far-more-interesting case. Though I was trying to get know-how of the procedural proceedings and amidst them whatever i could gather of the case was that it was about a minor girl who had eloped with her lover (being called as ‘dilsaayi’ in hindi) and had entered into matrimonial relations with him. The parents of the girl, when she erratically came back to them, filed the case alleging the guy under sections 363, 366 and 376 IPC and this was an appeal against the trial court judgment. For quite a long time, I sat there in the courtroom, being the only person not wearing the black robe and following the case quite interestingly. Somehow, i started feeling quite conscious of the fact and a bit certain after hearing some whispered conversations behind me that I was shockingly (for me) being suspected as that same guy in the respondent party by the people!! No sooner did I realise this than I came out of the courtroom and went back in the long drawn search for the wanted case which I finally, with the help of dad in the arrangement of some sources, managed to get a copy of. Having woken up in the wee hours of the day and after a busy and interesting day after a long time, I was feeling too sleepy to stay there longer and thus, keeping a bit of BH3 procrastination intact and a truckload of addicted-desire to watch the replay of the second match of the India-England series, I came back with the note of partial content of breaking the ice with the internship thing and getting the copy of the required judgment and the notion of starting with the project some time later whenever i feel like starting (in formal words – waiting for the ‘muhurt’!). Albeit the first day at the HC, it can be counted as another of the recently-many days when I felt attached to nalsar in ‘my-place’ sense than all of my previous attachments.

National Internal Terrorism - a mindless politicized mystery

I talked about changes in me in the last four months and one welcomed change is the growth in my interest and understanding of politics, though the understanding of real world politics cannot be conclusively claimed ever. I am grateful to the wizards of 307 BH3, the quasi human (super human rather) quizzers Abdaal and Anjaney for instilling in me the basic political understanding, and yeah, Nehaa for pol sci xeroxes :D!

Today I was watching this very interesting debate being telecasted in Times Now in a show called 'Versus' hosted by Arunabh Goswami and the topic, well officially at least, was Malegaon Blasts: Investigation versus Politics, which, as expected, got converted to simply terrorism and politics, probably one of the daintiest topics to be discussed on nationally televisioned debates. The holistically diversified debating panel included people from possibly all relevant fields: Abhishek Manu Singhvi, the M.P. from Rajasthan and Indian National Congress spokesperson, Swapan Dasgupta, a senior and renowned journalist, Vinod Mehta, the Editor in Chief of Outlook, some retired Colonel of Indian Army Mr.Shankar, Sitaram Yechury, Polit Bureau Member of CPI(M) and Ram Madhav, the spokesperson of RSS with a typically RSS rogue-sounding-brogue!

Abhishek Singhvi started off the debate with his introductory comments stating that terrorism as talked and treated today should not be looked at from any specific perspective but should be treated in abstraction regardless of any religion, cause, any possible justification and political nexus. Agreeing with him, the very enthusiastic and excessively zealous Swapan Dasgupta ironically put forward his proposition of potentials of religious terrorism such as Islamic or Jehadi terrorism, Hindu terrorism, etc. and other potential factions and categories of terrorism such as military terrorism (wtf!); and with Ram Madhav's defence for the coining of the term 'Hindu terrorism' as a plot for the benefit of INC incepted the discussion on the Malegaon blasts and all the alleged violent activities of radical hindutva supporters being 'Retributive Terrorism'. This indeed was a genuine matter of consideration in the debate in light of the Malegaon blasts and ATS allegations on RSS leaders like Sadhavi Pragya Singh, Swami Dayanand Pandey, etc. However, just when Ram Madhav was in vain though but trying to justify any 'aggressive hindutva activities (as he puts it!)', following the left ideologies, Sitaram Yechury sensibly claimed that 'terrorism shouldn't be compartmentalized as good, bad and very bad'. While these people were engaged in this interestingly loud struggle to get one's point through, the military person remained silent untill he was explicitly given a chance to speak and all that he spoke was in defence of Indian Military and in condemnation of the generalized tarnishing opinion against the Army generated due to Lt.Col. Purohit's alleged involvement in the Malegaon blasts. He put forward the three refrains imposed on all army officials and soldiers which were about discussing politics, religion and women(strangely though!) and he kept on insisting till his ending words of the discussion that the Indian Army is apolitical. That, however, was evident from his idleness in the political debate - proving that actions do speak louder than words, especially in a struggle to utter words!

Coming back to the core of the discussion, the questions which arose and some deliberately raised viewpoints did question the basis of terrorism and the basis and validity of actions against it. Swapan Dasgupta asked a very good question (the gravity of which was lowered owing to the hyperactive mannerism) to Abhishek Singhvi on the uniformity and abstractness of terrorism as put forward by him earlier in the debate. His question was that should we equate the external terrorism existing as a threat to our nation as a whole with the internal terrorism which was being suspeted as the 'retributive terrorism'? There does exist a marked difference when both forms of terrorism are compared. While the Kashmir issue has seemingly been made as vast as the 'India' issue and the threats which such explicitly anti-Indian groups as SIMI and it's different terror branches such as HuJI, LeT, etc. have posed to the existence of this country, let alone the peace, the last thing which would be desired was the aggravation of almost a hopeless situation to a Hopson's chioce by internal terrorism preached and practised by such implicitly anti-Indian groups like RSS, Bajrang Dal, VHP, ABVP and remotely though but enough to be mentioned in ejusdem generis, BJP. As reported in NDTV, the information of the ATS, though not supposed to be directly outsourced to the public but through political sources and reporters, revealed the direct nexus of Sangh Parivar members such as Aseemanand, Dayanand Pandey and Pragya Singh in Malegaon blasts and also in Ajmer Dargah Blasts and Samjhauta Express blasts and were reported to have met somewhere in Gujarat in February 2006 to discuss these 'retaliatory attacks'. Now that Lt.Col.Purohit's involvement in these incidents and RDX being sourced by him for the blasts are being claimed by the ATS, Vinod Mehta addressed it as a wake up call for the Army (which was taken as an indication rather than a 'wake-up-call' by the retired Col.) of people coming from a school of radical divisive political thought joining the Army.

Mr. Vinod Mehta also compared the fight against terrorism in India with that in the United States of America after 9/11 and questioned the failure of India as opposed to US success. Again, Abhishek Singhvi's notion of fight against an abstract terrorism and perception of any form of terrorism with a blind eye figured in to answer United States' successful reaction to 9/11; however condemned in a human rights perception, it practically worked for the nation. However, this view seemed to be sardonic in two ways - one was that it was coming from the spokesperson of a party which was responsible for havocs like operation blue star and consequent gruesome and ruthless genocide; the other was that the condition in US is uncomparably different from that in India as here - due to the constitutionally secular nature of our country radical pseudo secularism which comes from the right wing hinders any mitigating conclusion and intiates discussions like these while in the US the President can even go to the extent of claiming their war against terrorism as a 'crusade' and manage to go scot-free!

As far as the question of terrorism existing at two different levels goes, I think that the exterior threat, which is not totally exterior now, is the genuine and mindless hatred and ill-will while the interior and implicitly explicit 'retaliatory' or 'retributive' terrorism totally arises out of political motives. The Babri Masjid demolition issue was the perfect example of sheer shameless radical communal vote bank politics and so was the Khalistan movement. Terrorism even at local levels are borne out of 'dirty politics' and nation's cause goes for a toss when it comes to retaining power and selfishness.

As long as any doubts on radical Hindutva being justified remain, certain latest developments seem to vanish them. Though the ATS is yet to provide evidences to their conclusions and with the IB being on the contrary by alienating those alleged by the ATS from any such charge, the matter is becoming more vulnerable to being politicized. Till the court's verdict or any fool-proof information, let's wait and watch any further developments and hope for some enlightenment of the mindless radical groups so that they may try to reason out their actions and find none to realize the futility or rather, the malignity of their immature actions.

1st Semester:a peep into a fresher's mind at nalsar...

It was certainly a period which can be best described for me as ‘the boy meets world’ . From the very protective, easy, tamed and almost a customized life that i had till the sixth month of this year, my life seems to have turned 180 degrees to an independent or rather self-dependent and exposed-to-harsh(or even sweet)-realities life. So much I got to learn, so much i got to know, it feels quite different now and quite surprising to think of my plight 4 months back. A lot has happened in one semester it seems; a totally different life and a totally different identity it seems, not totally different though, rather too short a time to think of identity. I hardly knew any of my friends in college and now it’s difficult to even imagine not knowing them.
First month was a totally virgin experience, which later got screwed up!! But even as I was undergoing entirely new and never-imagined-of experiences, I never realised the fun I was actually having. Though we abhorred and resented whenever our seniors used to come on the eves of holidays but we used to enjoy the aftermath taking on each other in the same way as our seniors had done to us! The transformation from a guy who avoided songs like BC sutta to a forced singer of ba***ka** was indeed fun. Less transformation and more openness it was as I still don’t deliberate them but am only comfy with such proceedings! Every hectic moment spent there in despair and disgust now seems better than jobless boredom back home without friends.
Inevitably, I got some prefixes, if not titles, attached to my name - rajkumar, kid, blonde, chhota DJ, etc., with respective stories behind each nomenclature. Though, I do get annoyed at these names but somehow I feel they have a certain connection with me as if they are really well thought out names to indicate me and not randomly kept! Life is indeed quite plain and peaceful out there which increases the vulnerability of all sorts of random thoughts and eerie ideas creeping in unless you immerse yourself in work. In the starting days, when I was in a different mindset, i had never thought that when I would return back home for a long break, I would be thinking of the college and here I am ending up writing about whatever transpired in the 1st semester. I hold my friends responsible for this - another for-the-first-time experience was the kind of friends I’ve made and the kind of time I’ve spent and i think this feeling of uniqueness surely is reciprocal!
Coming back to the metaphysical developments, I underwent certain drastically different conditions and exposure as compared to what exists in a place like Raipur. I suppose that such background conditions before joining the college made me observe the happenings differently and strangely though, I started becoming quite self conscious. Through the passage of time, I had, again quite uncannily for me, started feeling low and inferior; had started losing out on my self-confidence, patented humour and tension free attitude. Thankfully, certain precious advices and consolations from certain people who were apt for the task forced me back on track right before the exams and I regained my patented thought process and even more after advising and consoling someone who had a similar plight of ‘I-think-I-don’t-deserve-to-be-in-this-place’. Though the reasons for the inferiority complex were genuine when I think of any achievements made in this one semester and especially the shifting of academic orientation from pure science to arts and humanities and subsequent decline in academic domination but it is just the struggle of a sudden sea change. For the first time, i am feeling scared and tensed about the results, not the anxious excitement and superficial indifference, but genuine concern. Thankfully, it’s just the first semester and there is time enough to improve and now that I feel settled in and adjusted to the place, hopefully, I’ll have a lot more fun and work in the days to come.