Musical Much

Listening to some of my all time favourite songs. Genre is rock. Songs are quite long. The ones dealing with this post are just four in number. Echoes (Pink Floyd), Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin), Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd) and Russia on Ice (Porcupine Tree). The setting is in an APSRTC Bus, sitting on the stairs of the rear door, in the middle of night (8:30 PM), in the middle of a Highway, on the way to college. The feeling is inexplicable, the desire, eternal.

At this juncture of life, these songs somehow seem to relate to my life and aspirations. I notice a common design in all these songs. They start slow and heavy, not outrightly musical from the beginning but promising enough to lure the listener into eagerly continue listening. This beginning which shows a potentially legendary song is followed by either a gradual addition of music (like in stairway to heaven) or by a rhythmic lull (as in echoes) which carries on to a point where enjoyment turns into a little impatience and one can sense something epic happening around the corner. Seems like there is constant music that you are laboring through with patience to develop a base for something magical. 

There comes a nadir almost ending the musical lull described above, where one feels that enough has been stocked and its time to pull up your socks and dive in the ocean to play David and Goliath with the tides. Thus starts something that will give you an adrenaline rush. The epic solo of Jimmy Page; the magic created by Roger Waters, David Gilmour and Nick Mason; and the overpowering tune of Steve Wilson; symbolize grandeur, indulgence, grace, style and rhythm. The ease with which these stretches of music create a huge momentum of their own (ex - russia on ice) one feels like mountains are moving. The last 5 minutes of echoes are like these sixes hit off flicks and chips by a batsman who can see the ball like a football, timing the connect of leather to the sweet spot of his willow - perfection, ease and flare galore! The solo in stairway to heaven feels like sprinting over to the top of a mountain as it reaches its crescendo, maybe, symbolizing the run up the stairway to heaven; and finally, comfortably numb has a feeling of greatness (like a boss!) and of looking back at the achievements and the journey tread thus far in life and feeling happy about the things one has done till eyes water and hair raises, as the cool shameerpet breeze runs through my hair and I drop down at my destination.

To be honest, life seems to be in the musical lull right now, one may want to sense drama around the corner. Maybe the nadir is approaching and I need to pull up my socks to reach the crescendo. Don't know if I can really fit into the feeling that I get from these songs, but, I believe that life is best described by Robert Plant's introduction to Stairway to Heaven in the 1977 concert in Seattle (and in many more live performances) - "This is a song of hope."

We live in a State of Nature.

Probably the state of nature that Locke, along with other contractarian thinkers, had conceived is not a matter of pure theory and has practical relevance. According to Locke, in a state of nature, man is brutish, isolated and only exists. The purpose of life is only to survive unlike the concept of life in Right to life (Article 21, Indian Constitution). So basically, every man cares about only himself and that too only to the extent of survival and there no concept as peaceful co-existence. This is how Locke describes the state of nature, the default mode from which humans proceed towards civilization by entering into a social contract, surrendering certain freedoms to the entity called state in return of certain securities such as from violence, etc. in the form of a police.

Anyway, coming back to the state of nature, I had the above realization coming from Nagpur to Raipur in a train, in a compartment with 5 adults and 3 kids in the age group of 4-5 years. So this is the cast for this scene – 1 jolly good south-indian grandpa (surprisingly), 1 typical south-indian grandma, 1 gult couple [gult mom and gult dad], 1 gult kid, 1 huge and scary Punjabi mom, 2 punjabi kids [older kid, younger kid].

I enter this overcrowded compartment with the only birth, that too the middle one, and see that the gult couple and the Punjabi mom and grandpa are not there. The three kids and the grandmom are there. The younger kid is hyper active, hyper angry and threatens everyone that his mom will come and beat him/her up. He is blocking the door of the compartment and not letting anyone enter or go out. The typical grandmom is helplessly telling that kid to not do so, but the kid ‘ain’t gonna stop’ because he is pnjabbee. This gult kid who was playing with the older kid goes to the younger kid and tells him to not do so. So this younger kid, who is almost the same age as the gult kid, first beats the hell out of him and then twists and chokes his throat with his forearm till the gult kid starts flowing rivers down his eyes. Meanwhile, typical southie grandmom, blabbers something in (I’m assuming) telugu, and again with the helpless expression on her face tells the younger kid to stop. Now enters a police guy who sits in the lower birth next to us and is made this ultimate threat for the kids by the grandmom. ‘If you do this, police uncle will take you away’ and the police guy calmly tells the younger kid that he’ll take him in a sack if he doesn’t behave well, to which the younger kid replies that his mom will beat the hell out of him. Meanwhile, the older kid seems embarrassed by the younger kid and starts beating him up with an empty plastic bottle, while exclaiming that this is the Punjabi way to correct him.

And at this juncture, the Punjabi mom enters, a huge giant truck-like figure with a juggernaut-like attitude and demeanor in the overcrowded entry door. That was when I realized how real the younger kid’s threats were. She came with ice-creams which she shoved down her kids’ throats to shut them up. The gult kid starts crying even more vigorously once she comes in. After the madrasi grandmom complained to her about her notorious kid, she slapped her younger kid, then shoved more ice-cream down his throat to stop him from crying and gave an ice cream to the gult kid with a smile. Later the grandpa came and the gult kid complained to him about the antiques of the younger kid to which the grandpa replies that the gult kid himself would have been at some wrong to have been strangulated by the younger Punjabi kid. Then came the gult couple with idlis and vada paos and everyone started eating. The gult kid seemed mannered enough to offer his food to everyone around, for which he was praised by everyone as a ‘good boy’, but the younger pnjabbee kid was still threatening him and this gult kid with the safety of so many matured adults around kept teasing the younger kid, knowing that the younger kid cannot beat him up there.

As entertaining as this whole account of events might have been, it is a brilliant depiction of what I started this post with – the state of nature. If you look at the kids, they are a pure and true of certain human instincts which get eclipsed in civilization, or the social contract. The kids don’t know about any social contract in terms of state, but they know about the social contract in terms of a safety/security of parents being around. Consider this situation, the kids are what they were in the beginning – without any parent around and with the presence of only the old helpless grandma. The so-called ‘good boy’ gult kid was getting rodded by the younger Punjabi kid. He was helpless, crying, and almost being choked to death. He was depending on his parents; he couldn’t do anything without them. This Punjabi kid, on the other hand, did have a safety net in terms of his road-roller mom, but was still taking charge himself, beating the daylights out of the gult kid.

On a larger picture, the gult kid was definitely what everyone should be and the Punjabi kid definitely what nobody should be. The social contract where one gives up his choice and freedom to do whatever one wants in order to respect the right of others to not be beaten up and be protected from violence was imbibed in him by his parents. The pnjabbee kid did not give a rat’s ass about the gult kid. And this is exactly where the problem of being good arises. The ‘good behavior’ in terms of mutual respect and peace, in terms of unselfish and caring behavior, quite like the utopia contemplated by communists, is truly possible and advisable when it is consensual. The moment a person deviates from this, he gets the better out of others. If you look at this definition of ‘good nature’ in the context of state of nature and not in the context of a social contract, you will be amazed to know how the definition of a desirable/advisable behavior completely reverses. To think about oneself is what the norm becomes. For instance, there is one free birth, and there are three people without confirmed tickets who want it, there are four possibilities – 1) anyone gets the birth and excludes the other two; 2) any two decide that it is better that two share a birth instead of three and therefore, exercise their influence to get the birth and exclude the other; 3) all three share that one birth and; 4) no one gets the birth. If all three have a ‘good nature’, then they will peacefully share the birth. If one of them wants the entire birth and the other two are ‘good and generous’ persons, then the one who wants the entire birth gets it. If all three want the birth with the exclusion of other two, then there is a head on collision, yes, a state of nature!

These kids had safety nets to fall back upon. But as people grow up, they become independent. They become the safety nets for others. The obligation increases. It is not only ‘each man for himself’ but it becomes ‘each man for himself and his dependants’. So the chances of a person giving up certain things for others also reduces because even though he may not mind giving up but he may mind his dependants giving up because of his altruist attitude. And as I had already explained how even if there is one person who is not caring much about others, the ones who are caring are the ones who suffer, which is wrong and unjust. Thus, people bring back the state of nature.

However, one balancing line that I have observed very commonly is that people will be ‘good’ by nature i.e. helping, selfless, etc. and if they encounter anyone who is unreasonable to them, then they will deal with that person differently. However, there is a certain irony in this in the form of an inconsistency. Also, it takes a similar logical structure as the ‘harm principle’ expounded by J.S. Mill. The harm principle states that you are at liberty to do whatever you want to as long as it does not harm anyone. Here, the balancing approach that I spoke of would be that you should be as caring, selfless and good to others as possible, as long as it does not harm your self-interest. Effectively, self interest is the first priority. However, the threshold of self interest beyond which being good to others is not desirable is different for different people which makes this approach not only redundant but morally dangerous because a person can be as selfish as possible but still cover it up under this approach, claiming a different threshold.

Hence, even as adults, the gult kid would be unsure as to whether he should be prepared to fight that younger kid back when he went to stop him from blocking others. The gult kid then, despite considering the younger kid to be at a fault, will not go to stop him, trying to avoid any consequences of messing with the angry and powerful younger kid. The powerful thus prevails over the good. Religion tells us that god is in being good and hence the power. But religion also tells us that god helps those who help themselves. Confusing, eh? The very structure of society is such that if one does not care about others, others face a threat from him. Therefore, the only consideration that might keep people to being ‘good’ is that they face a threat too if people are not considerate about others, that a bully can also be at the receiving end. For this, it becomes indispensable for the definition of a ‘good behavior’ to be not restricted to only caring for others but also to include ‘strength’ and the ‘capability to deal with any other behavior in an apt and effective way’. Thus, the ability to discriminate between good and bad gains significance in an advisable behavior.

However, my assumption so far, of a clear ‘good-bad’ dichotomy is not always true and the exercise of a counter force with the justification of it being for good assumes a high risk and potential for further disturbances, but that is a topic to deal with another day and rests heavily with what should be considered ‘good’ with the widest acceptance. The conclusion of this piece, therefore, is that along with being sweet, caring and sharing with others, the gult couple should also have ensured that their kid never cried but dealt with the younger kid himself.

Your Best Friend is Franky Fear

Your best friend is Franky Fear. A fighter’s best friend is his fear; one shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It keeps you fighting till the end for survival. It is like this fire inside which you need to control; when controlled it provides heat, keeps you going; but the moment it starts controlling you, it burns you down to ashes.

-          Sylvestor Stallon (as Rocky Balboa) in Rocky V

Every force in this world is just like the fire within. It is like a double edged sword which can be as good as bad. Then why do we have rigid notions about different forms of forces being right and wrong, good and bad, advisable and non-advisable? Why do we have people fighting over clash of ideologies, over clash of egos, clash of interests, trying to prove that ‘I am right, you are wrong’? Every clash in this world is based on different notions of right and wrong, but is there actually a force which is inherently right or inherently wrong?  As quoted above, fear, which is considered as a sign of cowardice, is also the driving force. Likewise, ambition is bad when used as a justification for trampling people over and violating fiduciary duties, but it is good for personal growth and development. A person being selfish may be not be one of the most caring people but if that person attaches you to himself/herself, the same selfishness becomes safety/security. And to speak in a generalized way, knowledge/intelligence is good generally but is bad if used for undesirable ends like terrorism or for settling personal vendetta; being peaceful is good as you don’t get involved in fights but it makes the person boring and lethargic.

The point being that every force in this world has potential to create as well as to destroy; it all depends upon how it is used. A combination of these forces and the method of their usage on an abstract level constitute the character of a person. Therefore, no person is inherently good or bad (except Vasanthi) but is considered to be so based on how a person shapes the forces constituting his or her character. Therefore, suppose if a person is actually being an ass and pissing someone off by being bitchy and/or malicious and/or slimy/spineless, then the person who is at the receiving end of this can use the forces in a positive manner by not bitching or being malicious in return. Otherwise, if both the parties become malicious towards each other, then, even if one of them is justified in bitching, it will render the same status of bitchiness or malign to such an otherwise innocent party as well. For it is not the status of a person that fixes his/her role/character but the character/role of a person that fixes his/her status (Following from what Millett J. pointed out in Bristol and West Building Society v Mothew [1998] Ch. 1, that a person is “not subject to fiduciary obligations because he is a fiduciary; it is because he is subject to them that he is a fiduciary”)

Very often, I feel that basic things in life are neglected and forgotten. Let’s say, the teachings which one gets as a child which form the basis of one’s character and conscience, are hardly followed once a person grows up, while such simplest of teachings contain the deepest and profoundest of philosophies. I still remember this one story which I had in Hindi Literature course in my class 6 or 7 (don’t remember the class exactly). That story was about a mirror maze where any person or animal standing in the middle would see his own multiple reflections in every direction. Now it basically shows different stray dogs accidentally entering that place. First enters a dog who gets scared by seeing so many reflections, gets insecure, and starts barking in retaliation even though there was no threat to him. What he sees is multiple images of dogs of different shapes and sizes barking at him in a strong sense of insecurity and shooing him away just like he did to the mirror. Ultimately, the dog leaves the maze. Then enters a dog that is in a very aggressive mood, and the moment he sees an image in the mirror, he starts barking violently and starts charging towards it. The image also comes equally close charging at him with an equal furor and ultimately both collide, the dog falls down. Like a loser that dog runs away from that place in anger. Then entered the third dog that enters the maze happily, observes multiple images, happily starts playing with them, and enjoys his time without getting insecure by the presence of other images but by using the same force of multiple images to his advantage and enjoyment, after which he leaves the place.

This clearly illustrates that the same thing which reflected hatred or insecurity for two dogs reflected play and cheer for another. The difference lied in the default attitude of the third dog and the usage of force for proper ends in a proper way. The mirror maze is nothing but the world at large, a symbolization of the law of karma rather, and the time spent in the middle is our life. Ultimately we all have to go away from the centre of the maze but we should consider how we go away and how did we spend the time at the centre. For a dog which saw a growling and frowning image and retaliated with a frown himself, the entire time went in frowning which was justified for him. However, for a dog which sees a frowning image and overlooking or letting go of the reasons to frown, chooses to smiles at it, ultimately sees a smiling image only. Sometimes the glass of the mirror in the maze might be thick enough to refract and hence, distort the image, but the third dog takes that as a matter of play and continues enjoying his time.

However, even this story is based on an assumption that playing and being happy would amount to a proper usage of force instead of frowning and attacking. That might not be the case always. A person might say that she/he enjoys making things complicated, bitching about others or to disrespect and humiliate others. Basically, it might be in the nature of a person to fight with others. Here again, I am reminded of those childhood teachings where I was told that there is no prosperity where there is no peace or where there is a lot of fighting. If we observe it practically, we are often left amazed at the veracity of this simple conclusion. I was told in my early years of life that I should not disrespect anyone. Now even if I find ample reasons for disrespecting certain people (which is inevitable in a place like this), there is no license for me to start disrespecting people. What reasons can probably go on to justify disrespect? If I was told as a child that there is God in everyone, how does that get negated when I grow up unless I myself ignore the God within me?

Whatever reasons and justifications we might find for ill-will for a certain people; we can never deny the observations based on our personal experiences that there is actually less or no prosperity where there are too many fights and the other way round. Driven by self interest, this just blocks the idea of fighting in the first place. The reason for this is the most uncontestable reason, that of choice. Observing the rock logic – water logic dichotomy, it can be safely deduced that in respective contexts, both the arguments i.e. to fight or to not fight, can be justified with enough reasons and therefore, based upon the choice of context depends the notion of correct or logical. Therefore, if a person chooses the context of karma and prosperity, then it is only logical to ensure peace even if it requires one to compromise on ego or self importance. After all, for the attainment of ultimate goal, a prioritization or evaluation of acts has to be done in accordance with the context. If the context, however, has the ultimate aim of self satisfaction of ego and self consciousness at a superficial level so as to place self importance and the artificial sense of victory in prevailing over others, then logic within such context will not consider fighting or lack of prosperity any bad.

Therefore, the use of every force depends on our choice.  Whether we want to make or to break also depends on our choice. Our choice is that of a contextual structure or a value system which is influenced by the simple things taught to a person as a child. Where we actually go wrong is in being inconsiderate to such a treasure of philosophies, in being spineless in the true sense by giving up our beliefs and getting inclined towards the easier alternative. The main purpose of teaching us as kids is to build a character-base and if we do not take that into account, then it is a waste. If all of us would have still remembered and respected the teachings given to us in childhood, then we would not have had the hatred, the irritation, the Ill-will and the irretrievable breakdowns of friendships among us; the sense of insecurity and self interest can be discharged even through those means which are consistent with our basic learning. 

what's my blog name?

This post is, again, keeping in consonance with the name of my blog. In times of sheer boredom, a lot of thoughts make me wonder. This time it is the suddenness, inevitability and convenience of death and the volatility and superficiality of life. Everything around us is temporary, everything. From all the material creations 'owned and possessed' to all the abstract memories and emotions attached to such creations.. from people you love to people you hate to people you are indifferent to.. everything, everyone is temporary. I know everyone knows this.. but everyone forgets this. If not everyone, at least I many a times forget that life is just 'a journey in time.'

Such thoughts take me in stoicism where every notion of good and bad vanishes, there is no love no hatred, no desire no satisfaction, no identification no differentiation no inequality, no success no failure, no relaxation no worries, no pride no embarrassment, no conformity no deviance, no fame no despair, no happiness no sorrow.

All that concerns us, all that we think needs to be changed and all that we desire seems to have no relevance and seems like a lost cause in light of such a temporary nature of life. A journey in time does not depend on what you travel in and what path you travel in because it's not the distance but the time which is limited. So how ever the journey is, it ends for everyone and everyone is restored to the default position once the journey is over. So what do we stand for? All our principles, all our actions in life, all the people 'close' to us, all our desires, all our emotions, everything that is included in the definition of 'human nature'.. all these all of a sudden seem to be mere shallow and empty concepts. My basic point here being the one about the sheer abstractness which surrounds the entire Universe. No logic is rock logic, it is just water logic without any specification.

And at this point, I would like to clarify that I may ponder upon all this and feel infinitely engaged in thoughts but i do not think all these suggest that one should not do anything at all because it is just one life one gets to live. All that I feel with such thoughts is that there is nothing conclusive and nothing can restrict the possibility of life except the limitation on time duration of one's life span. So the question remains that this sole determining factor is controlled by whom. And on this very point every time I talk to anyone or read up myself on anything related to atheism and the justification for it, rather criticism of theism provided by the political extreme left, it seems very impressive. All the concepts of religion being an opium of the masses and a tool to justify and perpetuate the dominant class' ideology seem very true. No doubt that a lot of what is called evil happens due to the present day concept of religion. But to use such reasons heavily grounded in superficiality and 'the present' to propose that no supernatural all-controlling entity exists is like saying that 'because i've never experience death till now so i don't believe in the concept of death. How can I accept that anyone other than me would decide when my life ends? And just because death generates fear in people, it is bad and therefore one should believe that death does not happen.' This strong perpetual evidence of control over the happenings and world order always puts me in this position where i cannot discard the existence of such an entity.

I guess I should end this useless stream of random thoughts which faintly make sense to me as an abstract cynical philosophical criticism to the general notion of life. I think I need some cricket now.

The days

A bunch of 80-odd students gather, all potentially brilliant with sharp acumen, high ambitions and a sense of achievement and pride of having made it to one of the ‘premier law schools in the country’. A huge diversity of places of residence and belonging, a considerable diversity in schooling and previous lifestyles, an enormous diversity in priorities and the notions of fun and some diversity in age, experience and exposure – all kept together with the same imposed routine and in the same place, making the current diversity zero and reducing the diversity in the notions of fun considerably.

These young students (with some diversity even in innocence) meet, become friends, some ready to judge each other, some ready to let time take its course and some confirmed loners right from the very beginning. But overall, almost everyone is fascinated to see and meet new people and make new friends which everyone knows will stay together for 5 years and hopefully even after that. Unaware of the coming law school life, these freshers enjoy their present to the fullest and with innocence.

Among the diversity (I’d prefer to use this word instead of ‘inequality’ which according to me carries a negative connotation) of people, the ones at a relative lack of advantage (reason being regarded to the previous place, lack of exposure and a difference in lifestyle and notions of fun) like me start socialising with the small step of neighbourhood. And thus, among the gradually growing competition and ambition and crossing through the ragging sessions as time passed in the first semester, a small group of people on the top floor of subconsciously became close friends and this incident is as abstract and symbolic to not be restricted only to the group on the top floor but I guess, to be applicable to the entire batch in some way or the other.

Moving ahead with abstractness, the conditions in the first semester of emotional and practical difficulties are in some way compensated by the relaxed (as it appears now) academic demands. And just as carpe diem ruled, one fine morning, proximate to the end of the first semester, in the legendary room no. 312 of boys hostel 3, a plan is made for the upcoming vacations. The best use of tension free, stress free time of life when there is no dearth of time to devote on everyone and hardly any occupation of mind in relation to human-relations is made by a vacation with friends to the beaches of east coast in Puri and Chilika Lake.

And these vacations turned out to be precious memories. When most of us in the noble pursuit of work and fulfilment of ambitions were busy interning more than the library, the five of us (one out of the six couldn’t come from Dubai) took a week off from everything that could’ve occupied us then and gathered at Cuttack. From there, in a car we had set up our base in Puri from where we roamed around the whole of Puri, Chilika Lake and Konark. Those nights of poker with bubble gums and jellies and fifa on psp, the road trips with complicated academic comments about the praise of the ‘blend of civilisation and natural wild’, the elaborate photography sessions, the conning of marus (only one to be precise and respectful to the rest of the community) with ‘black pearls’, every night after-dinner tea and the gazing of waves on the beach, the attempted time-capsule in the form of a live Neanderthal, the ultra adventure of a fisherman-boat ride on the violent but relatively calm Bay of Bengal and the common part in all – the tension free relaxed life with the zeal life with nothing to bother.

The picture above is one of my favourites. On a closer look, the letter ‘N’ on the sand is clearly visible and top half of the letter ‘A’. This was the excitement we had about NALSAR, not just because of professional reasons but because of the happiness about finding friends and the excitement of a life ahead which started this way in the college. Yes, we all owe it to nalsar for bringing us together is what someone among us had said while writing it on the sand.

Recently while talking to one of my friends who couldn’t believe how time passed and we were about to complete two years here, I held that if we look back, it does feel like we have been here now for some time, it does feel that two years have passed. I’ve seen a lot of changes – changes in my person, in the structure of human relations, in the attitude of most of us, in the shifting focus from social hyperactivity to academic concerns and devotion. So much has happened in our lives in these two years and I don’t restrict so much of happenings to academic achievements only. And it many a times appears that the diversity has been reduced to a great extent. The diversity in innocence, in lifestyles, in notions of fun and other things mentioned above. I haven’t been able to stay in the same routine as in the first semester (for my own good) but a gradual shift to the other extreme is what I have been sensing in myself.

With increased work load, which might not be a load if enjoyed but becomes a load when considered with the fact that you can’t spend time with those whom you like to spend it with, is the biggest change that happened with time. I am not saying that there should be no desire to work, on the contrary, this change in the amount of work is mostly voluntary. But it seems like a crossroad when you realize how important and desirable it is to work and at the same time you need to manage time with close ones. And once into a commitment, it is inevitable and undesirable to come out of it and hence, the only solution is to ‘manage’ time. However, with the diversity in the working pattern of people, which is brought about by this place contrary to being subverted by it, makes it almost impossible to successfully manage time. One time you might be free but others busy and other times when others are free, you are busy and no one can manage times depending on others’ schedules. This leads to a person becoming a loner with work as the only confirmed company and if friends encourage and cooperate with the workload voluntarily undertaken, this puzzle can still be solved rather much enjoyably. However, if too close, the feeling of irritation at my non-availability takes over the prudent faculty of cooperation and encouragement. Then despite the goodwill, it appears that your working style or choice is detrimental for your social relations and hence, you should cut down on the work or change the way you work. But work is the main reason why parents spend so much money to educate us in such institutions and therefore, putting it in the backseat attracts a huge amount of guilt.

Gradually with time here, life becomes tougher and whenever you feel like you’ve settled yourself down in this place, you are reminded of how planting your ass in this place and working is a boring activity and shouldn’t be perpetuated. It often makes one feel like running away forever from everything as everything has so many problems. Right now, I do miss those tension free relaxed days of freedom, of spontaneity and impulsiveness and of purity of fun and the purposelessness of enjoyment – ‘the days: 27-11-08 to 02-12-08’. The sphere of human relations often becomes so complicated that sometimes, it makes me wonder whether getting too close to anyone is good for anyone. But that’s a separate talk altogether and hence, something to wonder some other day.

To everyone who thinks I'm a kid!

Lately I've been enjoying staying alone. And to such an extent that I've started being so by choice. Obviously sometimes I do not have any other option when everyone else enjoys playing anything that requires movement of ankles. But even otherwise, I've now started pondering upon few things of much more importance than the usual gossip of bitching/judging/mocking at people and discussing about people's behaviour and characters which is what people here generally do whenever together. And as a result of this I've found a renewed love for critical reading.

Reading up problematizing stuff and the inefficiencies of the governmental policies, non inclusion of people, people satisfied with what they have, people demanding things, people not providing things, people trying to bring a change in the society, in the system, suggesting solutions etc. etc. I have come to realize that most of the worldly problems stem from what is termed as 'basic human nature'. And this basic human nature includes everything that is problematic but no one wants to change/remove, hence, the justification of them being 'human'! As an example I would like to mention in particular, greed.

Desire for more, the greed to have more than needed and not just the want to have more, but the want to have more than others is something that results in most of the injustices in this world. Be it exploitation or powerlessness or discrimination (inequality in general).. be it the disobedience of rules by law makers (because they consider themselves above them) or by the law takers who aren't law makers (because they find it self-disrespectful and powerless to obey them non-voluntarily).. be it the reason behind any violence or be it corruption.. And not just injustices, even the reason behind people being judgmental, skeptical, distrustful about everyone and the causes of hatred generate from this perpetual want for more/dissatisfaction of material things. It is incredible to know how much we depend on things and how much do material creations and inanimate objects rule over us rather than us ruling over them and then we all also agree to the fact that any social relation involving dependency results in some form of oppression/injustice or the other.

Until there are such feelings/mindsets, no law can make things perfect.At the most, law can try and put a blanket over the problems to temporarily solve the problem by actions which are alternatives to a definite conclusive solution. As Portia had said in The Merchant of Venice, "The brain may device laws for the blood, but a hot temper leaps o'er a cold decree..." So the problem lies not only in the policies but much deeper. The problem lies in the lack of integrity and character in people. Everyone gets so much dissolved in oneself that things which don't concern otherwise start becoming the biggest problems in life. Everyone would agree to the injustices of inequality and corruption happening around us but as far as I am not being affected, why should I be concerned about it? As far as I am not the one being discriminated against, as far as I am not the one being troubled by inefficient and corrupt people, as far as I am not the one being exploited, as far as I am not at the receiving end, as far as I am being benefited by any act, why would I be concerned about anyone else? why should I think about how much I need and how much more I have?

It's good to be self-confident and not change, but without any justification and reason for it, if people continue to perpetuate such stereotypes which are problematic just for the plain reason that it is 'natural/basic human nature to be so', I don't see the problem being solved. The world is never constant. Things change and so do people and so does the world order. If I am not at the receiving end today, I might be there tomorrow. This is the best argument I could think about to sensitize people about prevailing injustices in society as it makes a person concerned about oneself and therefore, causes unrest to the stereotypical thinking.

And the problem doesn't end just at people wanting things more than others, but to be specific, it is about the perpetually increasing want of things which are limited and are reduced by distribution, hence the usage of the term, 'worldly/material things'. If you talk about intangible abstract entities like learning, knowledge and experience, you never lose them by sharing them with people. I won't be any poorer if I share whatever knowledge I have and neither the curiosity/perpetual hunger/dissatisfaction for knowledge make me put others at any disadvantage. As soon as this hunger for knowledge/learning becomes a hunger for success, the distribution of the entity demanded for starts reducing/limiting it rather than expanding it. The glorious 'profit-motivation' might generate profit but it can't generate welfare. It's like closing your eyes when in a horrific situation and feel that everything is safe and good i.e. it's a superficial illusion.

And now, to establish some connect between the contents of this post and the title of this post (sorry to con you in reading everything aforementioned), I read this letter which Nani Palkhivala had once come across somewhere and had sent to Ratan Tata on his retirement from the Tata Group (ACC Cement to be specific). It's titled 'NEVER GROW OLD'. If it managed to depict Nani's philosophy of life and bring him to tears everytime he read it, then it definitely has to have something of worth in it. Have a look at this:

NEVER GROW OLD

Youth is not a time of life. It's a state of mind. It's a test of the will, a quality of imagination, a vigour of emotions, a predominance of courage over timidity, of appetite for adventure over love of ease.

Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm, wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair... these are the quick equivalents of the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust.

Whether 70 or 16, there is in every being's heart, the love of wonder, the sweet amazement of the stars and the starlike things and thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for 'What next?'

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubts, as young as your self confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair. So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power from the earth, from man and from the infinite, so long are you young.

When all the wires are down, and all the central places of your heart are covered with snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and only then, are you grown old indeed, and may God have mercy on your soul.

If we look at the sender and receiver of this letter, Nani Palkhivala and Ratan Tata, respectively, we can get the relevance of the message this piece of literature conveys. And to all those who think that I'm just a kid, well, being young is not that bad after all!

The looney is in our head

Cleanliness, personal hygiene, work, women and human relations.. few good things in life which i am very particular about.. and that's my biggest problem. It's irritating to be so particular and demanding because it ultimately fucks up your mood. I generally tend to stay away from most of these because of the same reason.. in an attempt to avoid such high expectations from even building up.. and whenever i get a new hope that such expectations aren't above my own control or that i should not let such problems arising out of being particular and being least bit of demanding (to differentiate myself from a machine) to prevent me from enjoying an accomplishment as particular and as reciprocative as i want it to be, I always end on a hopeless note.

And the cycle continues.. another chance, another hope, another attempt to be successfully particular, another effort to ignore the potential turn-offs, and ultimately another moment of despair and another vow to keep distance from the things listed right in the beginning followed by another hope and another chance..

November 1 - December 5, 09 - in tags

gloomy lonely hostels - Abdaal - A3, Officers' Rest House Lancer Barracks - TV - tele-shopping advertisements - tele-bakchodi (reebok, english guru, buri nazar raksha kawach, camera 'detective' pen! lol) - India-Sri Lanka Test series - St. John school's Principal's crappy speeches every morning - the creepy pot seat in a weird bathroom - CDS in NALSAR (Disability) [read: sensitization!] - Dhanda ma'am - Shukla aunty - Sindhu babes - Harsha V Rao - Himabindu Killi (BB!) - Sruthi Namburi - JBS (spicy idli) - Shukla aunty's ipod - eddie vedder + led zep - Food Bazaar - peaches - mirinda - gatorade - chocolate soya milk - biryani (Paradise/alpha) - WiFi - sleepless nights searching, reading and briefing cases and talking marathons on the phone - battery over/balance over - recharge! - phone changed temporarily (read: on the phone till 3 in the night for the first time!) - Bombay trip with Dhanda ma'am on a weekend (read: training workshop for Family Court Judges in Maharashtra!) - abdaal and samira's cooperation + pizza hut in a petrol pump + subject supposed to be surprised (read: attempted surprise!) - conference over in one day itself! => full sunday free! - the 'elevator incident!' - dinner with school friends (read: keshav, prateek and ishan) - night stay at keshav's place - paranormal activity in the middle of night in one of the best home theatres - 'lunch' - searching abdaal and ad singh without balance in the phone (problem still not solved!) - searched the entire coffee shop of trident oberoi for as suspicious a name as Mohammad Abdaal Akhtar! - Baghdadi's (yay!) - roaming around Colaba - Gateway of India picture - Sanjay - 2012 shit in Prasad's Imax - siddiqui kebabs - Dhanno! (our Luna!!) - Sallu (the annoying rat!) - 'Chandu ki bahu aa gayi' - "Nihal Bhai's" - Marredpally - Santosh Dhaba - Buddhist Monastery on top of the hill - Universal Bakery - Weekly home deliveries from Pizza Corner and Dominos each - Hyderabad House - Sanjay Tiffins - Ice Paan! - @ 2.15 in the afternoon Anand Theatre on the way to bus stop (read: Ajab Prem Ki Gazab Kahani and Kurbaan) - all the way to NALSAR from Sec'bad in the luna (Dhanno) and back - dinner with respective de facto local guardians - 2012 - Local Train Trip till hi-tech city and back - Malti Ranade (huuuge case file!) - work work work - no worry => godfather I - Hungama - Cricket 07 (EA Sports, it's in the game!) - bowling - pool - alleygator - mocha - with sanajy & pothu - sanjay's crazy night photo shoot with Dhanno - internship over! - bye bye Hyderabad and Hello Bangalore - tricking and fooling the auto guy - cousin's place - NLS - debate adjudication - loads of learning and awesome fun in every debate - panelist adjudicator! - Pranshu - Nehaa - Bhushan - Puneeth - Tarun - Anees - Rishabh - Our teams kicking ass in the competition - changing places every night - luggage in a different place - no charger => battery not charged => phone switched off + no balance => Trouble!! - being informed through a friend that one of the organizers told that the security guards had been searching for me - why? - coz they wanted to tell me to contact my family who had called up NLS through a meticulous process!! - a huge unnecessary paranoia created and people got pissed solely due to my phone (hmmph!) - Garuda Mall - the Forum confusion - Grips (read: go-karting! and Nehaa banging on the tyred walls around the turns.. lol!!) - searching for 15x6th main, Malleswaram every night - back to cousin's place - designing matrimonial website advertisements (read: cheesy taglines!) - train back home - 25 hour long train journey - 6 and a half movies watched in a single day (in the train) - 2.30 in the morning of 6th November, I was back home...

Experience, happiness, reslutions and a lot of learning is what i've brought along with my luggage - feels great!!

Life of Optimism - Random and Arbitrary

Back to the activity of so called self importance after a long time. So many things came to mind but never felt like blogging them for various reasons, rather just didn't choose to blog them, no reasons for that.. and that's what this post is going to be about - no reasons!

Interning with Dhanda and that too in the company of Abdaal has certainly reinforced my thoughr process, and in this post and also lately, it goes beyond any reason, it demolishes the entire concept of reason and reaches a level as arbitrary and fair as 'choice'.

Initially, during the training for our Centre for Disability Studies, I realized a lot of things which gave a perfect structure and logical connection to my thoughts and views.

'Diversity is good for humanity.' Thus runs the first basic premise of our centre's general approach. Accommodating persons with huge differences and diversities together is not harmful but beneficial for everyone! For instance, if in a class, there are some students who take time to understand due to whom the teacher needs to simplify (not dilute) the substance that is being taught, even the sharper ones can get more time to better understand, analyse and ruminate upon it. If there is a slope beside a fleet of stairs to accommodate the needs of persons on wheelchairs, it can be used by fit persons carrying their wheeled luggage as well! Living with people belonging to different cultures and religions can make us more accommodative in our approach and can contribute to our personality, nature and exposure of mind. In this way, accommodating diversity will always result in something good for everyone. Now this is a very very optimistic way of looking at things which are the root of all disputes and violence in our country - lack of accommodation, ego issues, class differentiation on a social (and hence, subjective) level.

'Since disability is not in anyone's control to prevent and cure, it is an integral part of our society and hence, we need to change our attitude and be accommodative towards the disabled and include them as much as everyone else in the society. More inclusive the society, the better it is', thus said Dhanda. The amount of respect i have gathered for her is not because of her stature or her famous 'magnanimous personality' but because of her views. The above mentioned statement is full of suggestions about mutual self respect and equality. Equality of that what everyone deserves. Our Constitution itself states that every citizen shall be secured of 'equality of status and opportunity'. So I came to the conclusion from our training that at least no one should be denied opportunity for no fault of his/her, like being from a particular section of society or being disabled (of course, due to one's own actions, someone like a criminal may be denied opportunity as a punishment). And so should everyone be secured the equality of status - not the economical or social or political status, but the status of being a conscientious, righteous and an innocent human being having the same rights and opportunities as everyone else.

This proposition set me thinking about the relevance and importance of opportunity. A major critique of the existing disability laws was that of the appointment of a guardian who'd make decisions for the mentally disabled. In her cliched example, AD had stated how every person is capable of forming a choice and the addition of adjectives like 'rational' is purely subjective. A person would want to splurge on one outing in a month and utilize the remaining budget in meager amounts for the rest of the days, but that would be his/her choice. Rather if a guardian is appointed for that person just because the majority thinks he/she cannot make any choice for himself/herself or none other than a harmful choice and therefore, 'for the best interests of that person', some other person is to decide, it would be a total disrespect of the person's individual identity and existence. To have a free-choice is a basic prerequisite of one's individual existence (and by free-choice i mean free from any other person's control not free from your own mind and memories!).

Hence, it made me wonder, how important the freedom of having one's own choice is to any person. A person is said to be mature if he/she decides rationally i.e. after calculating which way is more beneficial and which one is harmful. The basis for deciding what is beneficial and what is harmful is nothing but the happiness and satisfaction one gets in making a particular decision. Many a times we have to sacrifice our choice and will for 'the greater good' or for 'our own benefit in the long run'. Now this perplexes me! How can we so confidently predict the future? (astrologers, astronomers, palmists, etc. are no good answer to this) Even if we do go with a presumption about future, we need to mark certain conditions as desired/good and certain conditions as undesired/bad. This labeling process, i think, suffers from stereotype to a hopeless extent. After all, the only measure to analyse and decide between situations is the pursuit of happiness. Whatever an individual may choose/want to do would be something that would give him/her happiness and to that extent there should be total freedom on an individual level.

For an optimist, every situation has something positive and therefore, there is happiness at every situation. In accordance with a few principles which are the jus cogens or say 'the basic structure' of oneself, optimism requires you to be happy with everything. Basically, if looked at the larger picture, the sum total of all judgmental values of the possible situations in all choices that we have is the same (which i want to consider as zero). So that means that the concept of opportunity cost just ceases to exist when you talk about making choices and decisions on the basis of what will keep you happy, if you are an optimist! Hence, your all the decision making points of life would lie on an indifference curve. Therefore, if you are an optimist, i.e. if you are happy with the way things happen in life, if you go with the flow, if you realize that in a long run, a difference of choice despite however drastic as it may appear on a short run, can be accommodated for a better life, then the very term 'rational choice' becomes redundant. That is to say that there is no basis for you to decide what will make you happy (or be good/beneficial for you) as you know that you would be equally well, comfortable and happy in any situation. However, an optimist is also human and hence has some choices which become the guiding basis for life. Therefore, I say, an optimist's life is as random and arbitrary and fair as his/her choice! There is so much freedom that no one else can govern his/her life though others' advices are considered depending upon the choice of the individual!

This arbitrariness is not totally unguided though (see... didn't i previously once say that everyone is like the constitution, so how can Art. 14 be violated?!). The jus cogens or the 'basic structure' which everyone has, governs the choices which an individual might make. Therefore, being cool with anything does not mean that you don't have a spine and that you mindlessly do what others do but to do what you feel like in accordance with your basic structure. Thus, being an optimist, having a random and arbitrary life, and in accordance with a basic structure which realizes and respects the importance of freedom of choice of all others along with his/her, shapes one's behavior to be all-inclusive, tension free, superficially stoic or expressionless, respectful of mutual freedom and individuality and thus, non-judgmental about others. Kind of a utopia but not impossible!

Society...

Eddie Vedder continues to amaze me with his songs...

here's another brilliant one! and i thank Shukla aunty for telling me about this one...

Oh, it's a mystery to me

We have a greed with which we have agreed

And you think you have to want more than you need

Until you have it all you won't be free

Society, you're a crazy breed

I Hope you're not lonely without me...

When you want more than you have

You think you need...

And when you think more than you want

Your thoughts begin to bleed

I think I need to find a bigger place

Because when you have more than you think

You need more space

Society, you're a crazy breed

Hope you're not lonely without me...

Society, crazy indeed

Hope you're not lonely without me...

There's those thinking, more-or-less, less is more

But if less is more, how you keeping score?

Means for every point you make, your level drops

Kinda like you're starting from the top

You can't do that...

Society, you're a crazy breed

Hope you're not lonely without me...

Society, crazy indeed

Hope you're not lonely without me...

Society, have mercy on me

Hope you're not angry if I disagree...

Society, crazy indeed

Hope you're not lonely without me...

long nights...

Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light

I'll be around to grow

Who I was before

I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground

Ah...

I'll take this soul that's inside me now

Like a brand new friend

I'll forever know

I've got this light

And the will to show

I will always be better than before

Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground

An (un)controlled spree of thoughts

A blog post after quite some time now. Had a lot in mind and the willingness to blog it out!

Some random abstract thoughts kept preoccupying my mind over the past few days, well, not too random though, i guess they do have some relevance. Now the basic theme in this post, as always, is about self, not myself but just about self!

Everyone wants to be the best, thus summarized as competition. No person is ever alone and hence, no one can be absolute, it is always relative. Thus, comes the desire to be on the top (no puns intended!) and comes forward the main consideration for this purpose – ‘confidence’!

Now in order to achieve things, people definitely want to have confidence, but ironically, many a times people are not confident of retaining their confidence and thus, avoid things that might ‘hamper’ their confidence! This gives rise to an apparently inevitable vice – ego! People believe that ego is necessary in order to have a spine and that confidence is inseparable with ego, rather confidence is a subset of ego. What is important and a little difficult to understand is that ego and confidence are two different things. The line of difference between the two is a very thin one but is enough to demarcate the two.

I was fishing through some undiscovered and mysterious places in my room where i found the packet that was given to us during admission and which had a collection of books by Swami Vivekanand. I, being an admirer, picked one up and started reading. And i felt as if i got a proper structure to my thoughts, the thoughts about ego being different from confidence and a piece of writing with coinciding thoughts and definitely much more authority (authenticated maturity) than mine. So I thought I should share them. So here it goes...

1) Blaming others for anything and everything has become a chronic disease with us. Why should we expect someone to come and help us? To depend on others is slavery. No good comes of blaming others, fate or circumstances.

2) A man of confidence says that he can do the work and others can also do it; whereas a man of ego says that he alone can do it and nobody else can.

3) A man of confidence always tries to encourage and help others in building their confidence whereas a man of ego tries to curb and discourage others when they try to come up.

4) A man of confidence always attracts people. Even the weak feel confident and elevated in his presence and get inspiration in his company; whereas an egoistic person creates repulsion in the minds of people who try to avoid him because of his boastful nature.

5) A man of confidence appreciates the success of others and shares his happiness with them whereas a man of ego discourages and humiliates others and feels jealous of the success of others.

6) There is joy in working with people of confidence because they can mix freely with everybody. In the presence of egoistic people even the men of confidence feel awkward and undesirable to work with.

7) A man of confidence always commands love and respect, whereas a man of ego always demands and expects love and respect.

8) In one word, a man of self-confidence puts his faith in the innermost divine self, the source of all power and energy, and also feels the presence of the divine in everyone while dealing with them whereas the egocentric person puts his faith only in his mental and intellectual abilities and skills while being aware only of the weaknesses and drawbacks and never realises that the perfect divine is hidden behind superficial appearances in everyone.

NOTE:- man of confidence and man of ego imply a person which is not limited to include only a man.

As regards my view on means and ends, now i've got a formal source attached to it. Forever i have maintained that means and ends are equally important, neither can take priority and a higher importance than the other. So the relevance of the above attempted distinction between confidence and ego is that both might get you the same ends, but means would be different. And in my opinion, real achievement is only when both means and ends are taken care of. As mentioned about the egoistic person, such traits as ‘discourages and humiliates others and feels jealous of the success of others’ only go to show that it’s not just about the judgmental importance of means and ends but it’s also about what you choose. Hatred comes in mainly because there is ego; the feeling of vengeance takes over the ability of reasoning only because there is ego.

I’m not going to say that ego is important. The old argument of ego being required to a certain extent is gone once you know the difference between ego and confidence and difference between ego and self respect (which is supplementary to confidence). Now for me, ego is a vice. It is not necessary that you get faith in yourself, self-confidence or even a powerful personality only if you have ego because that’s pretty much how people argue for the importance of ego. And in the process of defending ego rather than question it, people lose out on friends, thinking that spine is only there when it is stiff enough for you to compromise everything for it. Spine actually exists when it has tensile strength! After all, if achieving things is the only want for which people (like me) consider their existence, then I guess ego is not at all indispensible, rather, it is a vice.

World Hold On

something on my mind... though it's a kind of a song where you'll hardly pay heed to the lyrics, but somehow it corresponds to whatever is in my mind to blog about... so here it goes..

Open up your heart, what do you feel
Open up your heart, what do you feel is real

The big bang may be a million years away
But I can't think of a better time to say

World, hold on
Instead of messing with our future, open up inside
World, hold on
Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky

Children of the sky
Children of the sky
Look inside, youll find a deeper love
The kind that only comes from high above

If you ever meet your inner child, don t cry
Tell them everything is gonna be alright

World, hold on
Come one, everybody in the universe, come on
World, hold on
Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky

Children of the sky alright
Dont take no for an answer, no no, not today
Right here,spread love, everybody join together now
One , one heart, love and unity, everybody sing
Yeah!

World, hold on
Come one, everybody in the universe, come on
World, hold on
Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky

World, hold on
Come one, everybody in the universe, come on
World, hold on
Wonder you will have to answer to the children of the sky

Friends

'Dear friends", I thought i would sleep early tonight, I thought I would never blog now... not happening. This particular thing has been in my head irritatingly tonight. What does this status of a 'friend' mean when it is labelled on different people by different people. A friend in need is a friend indeed is how the cliche goes, but is this relation so selfish that only when in need a friend is a friend indeed? Is it really true that only quid pro quo is how the practicality goes? How does one define what is meant by a friend? Reflecting on whatever I've read about economics till now, I guess just as every other thing that exists in reality, even this is not spared by subjectivity.

What do people think of when they claim to draw boundaries among people, grouping them as friends, don't matter ones or even as enemies? How does one get bothered by the relations he/she has with a certain people while being indifferent to everyone else? And the most confusing and sad part, how do people lose the label of 'friend'?

The answer, according to me, lies in basic human tendencies and a certain econimic concepts! It lies in the way people connect with others, share common interests/thoughts/views; it lies in opportunities that people get to know each other and finally it dies in expectations. It is, though undesirable according to me, but inevitable that one forms a hierarchy among all others and is therefore more concerned about and biased towards certain people. Till the situation of being 'king of good times' is concerned, everything is like heaven about friends, can't live without them. However, once the expectations cross a threshold is when even heavens appear to be hell, when things like ego, scepticism and hatred arise.

People differ in their concepts of friends. Some think that the whole point of having friends is to have fun and enjoy life and handle difficult times alone, not expecting it to be a duty of our friends to be with us. However, some think that it is in tough times when friends get separated from real friends. Whatever the view be, ultimately it comes down to one latent objective inherent in everyone i.e. self interest 'expected'! There is nothing too hard hearted or grave about this but for the word 'expected'.

Expectation, again being a real world thing, is badly contaminated with subjectivity. People differ in the amounts of expectations and also in the ability to either kill those expectations or to face the non fulfilment properly. Many a times it happens that we've done a lot for someone so he/she is bound to do something for us and many a times we expect a lot from someone even if we don't deserve it. In first case, when one does something for someone, there sure is a worth but the worth is worthless when returns are expected out of one's acts and the second case is even worse where there are unconditional expectations.

Now having established the existence of expectations among friends, it is not that hard to know the reason why friends are lost. However, it apparently is very hard to ensure that it doesn't happen. Back to the main question of who is considered as a friend and what are the norms of friendship, there again exist various views about what one looks for in a friend and to what extent can one be open to a friend. We never realise when we cross the thresholds and when we lose out on people. The reason why such weird thoughts are being blogged by me is that somehow, notwithstanding the subjectivities, friends are those whom everyone values and the ones who don't are the one who don't have their definition of friends and thus, it is pretty sad if friends have differences for a ground as frivulous as over-expectation or ego hurt or casual annoyance. The secret lies in maintaining good relations with people and that's how i personally put friendship as having good relations with an element of likeness and trust but no expectations.