Your Best Friend is Franky Fear

Your best friend is Franky Fear. A fighter’s best friend is his fear; one shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It keeps you fighting till the end for survival. It is like this fire inside which you need to control; when controlled it provides heat, keeps you going; but the moment it starts controlling you, it burns you down to ashes.

-          Sylvestor Stallon (as Rocky Balboa) in Rocky V

Every force in this world is just like the fire within. It is like a double edged sword which can be as good as bad. Then why do we have rigid notions about different forms of forces being right and wrong, good and bad, advisable and non-advisable? Why do we have people fighting over clash of ideologies, over clash of egos, clash of interests, trying to prove that ‘I am right, you are wrong’? Every clash in this world is based on different notions of right and wrong, but is there actually a force which is inherently right or inherently wrong?  As quoted above, fear, which is considered as a sign of cowardice, is also the driving force. Likewise, ambition is bad when used as a justification for trampling people over and violating fiduciary duties, but it is good for personal growth and development. A person being selfish may be not be one of the most caring people but if that person attaches you to himself/herself, the same selfishness becomes safety/security. And to speak in a generalized way, knowledge/intelligence is good generally but is bad if used for undesirable ends like terrorism or for settling personal vendetta; being peaceful is good as you don’t get involved in fights but it makes the person boring and lethargic.

The point being that every force in this world has potential to create as well as to destroy; it all depends upon how it is used. A combination of these forces and the method of their usage on an abstract level constitute the character of a person. Therefore, no person is inherently good or bad (except Vasanthi) but is considered to be so based on how a person shapes the forces constituting his or her character. Therefore, suppose if a person is actually being an ass and pissing someone off by being bitchy and/or malicious and/or slimy/spineless, then the person who is at the receiving end of this can use the forces in a positive manner by not bitching or being malicious in return. Otherwise, if both the parties become malicious towards each other, then, even if one of them is justified in bitching, it will render the same status of bitchiness or malign to such an otherwise innocent party as well. For it is not the status of a person that fixes his/her role/character but the character/role of a person that fixes his/her status (Following from what Millett J. pointed out in Bristol and West Building Society v Mothew [1998] Ch. 1, that a person is “not subject to fiduciary obligations because he is a fiduciary; it is because he is subject to them that he is a fiduciary”)

Very often, I feel that basic things in life are neglected and forgotten. Let’s say, the teachings which one gets as a child which form the basis of one’s character and conscience, are hardly followed once a person grows up, while such simplest of teachings contain the deepest and profoundest of philosophies. I still remember this one story which I had in Hindi Literature course in my class 6 or 7 (don’t remember the class exactly). That story was about a mirror maze where any person or animal standing in the middle would see his own multiple reflections in every direction. Now it basically shows different stray dogs accidentally entering that place. First enters a dog who gets scared by seeing so many reflections, gets insecure, and starts barking in retaliation even though there was no threat to him. What he sees is multiple images of dogs of different shapes and sizes barking at him in a strong sense of insecurity and shooing him away just like he did to the mirror. Ultimately, the dog leaves the maze. Then enters a dog that is in a very aggressive mood, and the moment he sees an image in the mirror, he starts barking violently and starts charging towards it. The image also comes equally close charging at him with an equal furor and ultimately both collide, the dog falls down. Like a loser that dog runs away from that place in anger. Then entered the third dog that enters the maze happily, observes multiple images, happily starts playing with them, and enjoys his time without getting insecure by the presence of other images but by using the same force of multiple images to his advantage and enjoyment, after which he leaves the place.

This clearly illustrates that the same thing which reflected hatred or insecurity for two dogs reflected play and cheer for another. The difference lied in the default attitude of the third dog and the usage of force for proper ends in a proper way. The mirror maze is nothing but the world at large, a symbolization of the law of karma rather, and the time spent in the middle is our life. Ultimately we all have to go away from the centre of the maze but we should consider how we go away and how did we spend the time at the centre. For a dog which saw a growling and frowning image and retaliated with a frown himself, the entire time went in frowning which was justified for him. However, for a dog which sees a frowning image and overlooking or letting go of the reasons to frown, chooses to smiles at it, ultimately sees a smiling image only. Sometimes the glass of the mirror in the maze might be thick enough to refract and hence, distort the image, but the third dog takes that as a matter of play and continues enjoying his time.

However, even this story is based on an assumption that playing and being happy would amount to a proper usage of force instead of frowning and attacking. That might not be the case always. A person might say that she/he enjoys making things complicated, bitching about others or to disrespect and humiliate others. Basically, it might be in the nature of a person to fight with others. Here again, I am reminded of those childhood teachings where I was told that there is no prosperity where there is no peace or where there is a lot of fighting. If we observe it practically, we are often left amazed at the veracity of this simple conclusion. I was told in my early years of life that I should not disrespect anyone. Now even if I find ample reasons for disrespecting certain people (which is inevitable in a place like this), there is no license for me to start disrespecting people. What reasons can probably go on to justify disrespect? If I was told as a child that there is God in everyone, how does that get negated when I grow up unless I myself ignore the God within me?

Whatever reasons and justifications we might find for ill-will for a certain people; we can never deny the observations based on our personal experiences that there is actually less or no prosperity where there are too many fights and the other way round. Driven by self interest, this just blocks the idea of fighting in the first place. The reason for this is the most uncontestable reason, that of choice. Observing the rock logic – water logic dichotomy, it can be safely deduced that in respective contexts, both the arguments i.e. to fight or to not fight, can be justified with enough reasons and therefore, based upon the choice of context depends the notion of correct or logical. Therefore, if a person chooses the context of karma and prosperity, then it is only logical to ensure peace even if it requires one to compromise on ego or self importance. After all, for the attainment of ultimate goal, a prioritization or evaluation of acts has to be done in accordance with the context. If the context, however, has the ultimate aim of self satisfaction of ego and self consciousness at a superficial level so as to place self importance and the artificial sense of victory in prevailing over others, then logic within such context will not consider fighting or lack of prosperity any bad.

Therefore, the use of every force depends on our choice.  Whether we want to make or to break also depends on our choice. Our choice is that of a contextual structure or a value system which is influenced by the simple things taught to a person as a child. Where we actually go wrong is in being inconsiderate to such a treasure of philosophies, in being spineless in the true sense by giving up our beliefs and getting inclined towards the easier alternative. The main purpose of teaching us as kids is to build a character-base and if we do not take that into account, then it is a waste. If all of us would have still remembered and respected the teachings given to us in childhood, then we would not have had the hatred, the irritation, the Ill-will and the irretrievable breakdowns of friendships among us; the sense of insecurity and self interest can be discharged even through those means which are consistent with our basic learning. 

what's my blog name?

This post is, again, keeping in consonance with the name of my blog. In times of sheer boredom, a lot of thoughts make me wonder. This time it is the suddenness, inevitability and convenience of death and the volatility and superficiality of life. Everything around us is temporary, everything. From all the material creations 'owned and possessed' to all the abstract memories and emotions attached to such creations.. from people you love to people you hate to people you are indifferent to.. everything, everyone is temporary. I know everyone knows this.. but everyone forgets this. If not everyone, at least I many a times forget that life is just 'a journey in time.'

Such thoughts take me in stoicism where every notion of good and bad vanishes, there is no love no hatred, no desire no satisfaction, no identification no differentiation no inequality, no success no failure, no relaxation no worries, no pride no embarrassment, no conformity no deviance, no fame no despair, no happiness no sorrow.

All that concerns us, all that we think needs to be changed and all that we desire seems to have no relevance and seems like a lost cause in light of such a temporary nature of life. A journey in time does not depend on what you travel in and what path you travel in because it's not the distance but the time which is limited. So how ever the journey is, it ends for everyone and everyone is restored to the default position once the journey is over. So what do we stand for? All our principles, all our actions in life, all the people 'close' to us, all our desires, all our emotions, everything that is included in the definition of 'human nature'.. all these all of a sudden seem to be mere shallow and empty concepts. My basic point here being the one about the sheer abstractness which surrounds the entire Universe. No logic is rock logic, it is just water logic without any specification.

And at this point, I would like to clarify that I may ponder upon all this and feel infinitely engaged in thoughts but i do not think all these suggest that one should not do anything at all because it is just one life one gets to live. All that I feel with such thoughts is that there is nothing conclusive and nothing can restrict the possibility of life except the limitation on time duration of one's life span. So the question remains that this sole determining factor is controlled by whom. And on this very point every time I talk to anyone or read up myself on anything related to atheism and the justification for it, rather criticism of theism provided by the political extreme left, it seems very impressive. All the concepts of religion being an opium of the masses and a tool to justify and perpetuate the dominant class' ideology seem very true. No doubt that a lot of what is called evil happens due to the present day concept of religion. But to use such reasons heavily grounded in superficiality and 'the present' to propose that no supernatural all-controlling entity exists is like saying that 'because i've never experience death till now so i don't believe in the concept of death. How can I accept that anyone other than me would decide when my life ends? And just because death generates fear in people, it is bad and therefore one should believe that death does not happen.' This strong perpetual evidence of control over the happenings and world order always puts me in this position where i cannot discard the existence of such an entity.

I guess I should end this useless stream of random thoughts which faintly make sense to me as an abstract cynical philosophical criticism to the general notion of life. I think I need some cricket now.

The days

A bunch of 80-odd students gather, all potentially brilliant with sharp acumen, high ambitions and a sense of achievement and pride of having made it to one of the ‘premier law schools in the country’. A huge diversity of places of residence and belonging, a considerable diversity in schooling and previous lifestyles, an enormous diversity in priorities and the notions of fun and some diversity in age, experience and exposure – all kept together with the same imposed routine and in the same place, making the current diversity zero and reducing the diversity in the notions of fun considerably.

These young students (with some diversity even in innocence) meet, become friends, some ready to judge each other, some ready to let time take its course and some confirmed loners right from the very beginning. But overall, almost everyone is fascinated to see and meet new people and make new friends which everyone knows will stay together for 5 years and hopefully even after that. Unaware of the coming law school life, these freshers enjoy their present to the fullest and with innocence.

Among the diversity (I’d prefer to use this word instead of ‘inequality’ which according to me carries a negative connotation) of people, the ones at a relative lack of advantage (reason being regarded to the previous place, lack of exposure and a difference in lifestyle and notions of fun) like me start socialising with the small step of neighbourhood. And thus, among the gradually growing competition and ambition and crossing through the ragging sessions as time passed in the first semester, a small group of people on the top floor of subconsciously became close friends and this incident is as abstract and symbolic to not be restricted only to the group on the top floor but I guess, to be applicable to the entire batch in some way or the other.

Moving ahead with abstractness, the conditions in the first semester of emotional and practical difficulties are in some way compensated by the relaxed (as it appears now) academic demands. And just as carpe diem ruled, one fine morning, proximate to the end of the first semester, in the legendary room no. 312 of boys hostel 3, a plan is made for the upcoming vacations. The best use of tension free, stress free time of life when there is no dearth of time to devote on everyone and hardly any occupation of mind in relation to human-relations is made by a vacation with friends to the beaches of east coast in Puri and Chilika Lake.

And these vacations turned out to be precious memories. When most of us in the noble pursuit of work and fulfilment of ambitions were busy interning more than the library, the five of us (one out of the six couldn’t come from Dubai) took a week off from everything that could’ve occupied us then and gathered at Cuttack. From there, in a car we had set up our base in Puri from where we roamed around the whole of Puri, Chilika Lake and Konark. Those nights of poker with bubble gums and jellies and fifa on psp, the road trips with complicated academic comments about the praise of the ‘blend of civilisation and natural wild’, the elaborate photography sessions, the conning of marus (only one to be precise and respectful to the rest of the community) with ‘black pearls’, every night after-dinner tea and the gazing of waves on the beach, the attempted time-capsule in the form of a live Neanderthal, the ultra adventure of a fisherman-boat ride on the violent but relatively calm Bay of Bengal and the common part in all – the tension free relaxed life with the zeal life with nothing to bother.

The picture above is one of my favourites. On a closer look, the letter ‘N’ on the sand is clearly visible and top half of the letter ‘A’. This was the excitement we had about NALSAR, not just because of professional reasons but because of the happiness about finding friends and the excitement of a life ahead which started this way in the college. Yes, we all owe it to nalsar for bringing us together is what someone among us had said while writing it on the sand.

Recently while talking to one of my friends who couldn’t believe how time passed and we were about to complete two years here, I held that if we look back, it does feel like we have been here now for some time, it does feel that two years have passed. I’ve seen a lot of changes – changes in my person, in the structure of human relations, in the attitude of most of us, in the shifting focus from social hyperactivity to academic concerns and devotion. So much has happened in our lives in these two years and I don’t restrict so much of happenings to academic achievements only. And it many a times appears that the diversity has been reduced to a great extent. The diversity in innocence, in lifestyles, in notions of fun and other things mentioned above. I haven’t been able to stay in the same routine as in the first semester (for my own good) but a gradual shift to the other extreme is what I have been sensing in myself.

With increased work load, which might not be a load if enjoyed but becomes a load when considered with the fact that you can’t spend time with those whom you like to spend it with, is the biggest change that happened with time. I am not saying that there should be no desire to work, on the contrary, this change in the amount of work is mostly voluntary. But it seems like a crossroad when you realize how important and desirable it is to work and at the same time you need to manage time with close ones. And once into a commitment, it is inevitable and undesirable to come out of it and hence, the only solution is to ‘manage’ time. However, with the diversity in the working pattern of people, which is brought about by this place contrary to being subverted by it, makes it almost impossible to successfully manage time. One time you might be free but others busy and other times when others are free, you are busy and no one can manage times depending on others’ schedules. This leads to a person becoming a loner with work as the only confirmed company and if friends encourage and cooperate with the workload voluntarily undertaken, this puzzle can still be solved rather much enjoyably. However, if too close, the feeling of irritation at my non-availability takes over the prudent faculty of cooperation and encouragement. Then despite the goodwill, it appears that your working style or choice is detrimental for your social relations and hence, you should cut down on the work or change the way you work. But work is the main reason why parents spend so much money to educate us in such institutions and therefore, putting it in the backseat attracts a huge amount of guilt.

Gradually with time here, life becomes tougher and whenever you feel like you’ve settled yourself down in this place, you are reminded of how planting your ass in this place and working is a boring activity and shouldn’t be perpetuated. It often makes one feel like running away forever from everything as everything has so many problems. Right now, I do miss those tension free relaxed days of freedom, of spontaneity and impulsiveness and of purity of fun and the purposelessness of enjoyment – ‘the days: 27-11-08 to 02-12-08’. The sphere of human relations often becomes so complicated that sometimes, it makes me wonder whether getting too close to anyone is good for anyone. But that’s a separate talk altogether and hence, something to wonder some other day.

To everyone who thinks I'm a kid!

Lately I've been enjoying staying alone. And to such an extent that I've started being so by choice. Obviously sometimes I do not have any other option when everyone else enjoys playing anything that requires movement of ankles. But even otherwise, I've now started pondering upon few things of much more importance than the usual gossip of bitching/judging/mocking at people and discussing about people's behaviour and characters which is what people here generally do whenever together. And as a result of this I've found a renewed love for critical reading.

Reading up problematizing stuff and the inefficiencies of the governmental policies, non inclusion of people, people satisfied with what they have, people demanding things, people not providing things, people trying to bring a change in the society, in the system, suggesting solutions etc. etc. I have come to realize that most of the worldly problems stem from what is termed as 'basic human nature'. And this basic human nature includes everything that is problematic but no one wants to change/remove, hence, the justification of them being 'human'! As an example I would like to mention in particular, greed.

Desire for more, the greed to have more than needed and not just the want to have more, but the want to have more than others is something that results in most of the injustices in this world. Be it exploitation or powerlessness or discrimination (inequality in general).. be it the disobedience of rules by law makers (because they consider themselves above them) or by the law takers who aren't law makers (because they find it self-disrespectful and powerless to obey them non-voluntarily).. be it the reason behind any violence or be it corruption.. And not just injustices, even the reason behind people being judgmental, skeptical, distrustful about everyone and the causes of hatred generate from this perpetual want for more/dissatisfaction of material things. It is incredible to know how much we depend on things and how much do material creations and inanimate objects rule over us rather than us ruling over them and then we all also agree to the fact that any social relation involving dependency results in some form of oppression/injustice or the other.

Until there are such feelings/mindsets, no law can make things perfect.At the most, law can try and put a blanket over the problems to temporarily solve the problem by actions which are alternatives to a definite conclusive solution. As Portia had said in The Merchant of Venice, "The brain may device laws for the blood, but a hot temper leaps o'er a cold decree..." So the problem lies not only in the policies but much deeper. The problem lies in the lack of integrity and character in people. Everyone gets so much dissolved in oneself that things which don't concern otherwise start becoming the biggest problems in life. Everyone would agree to the injustices of inequality and corruption happening around us but as far as I am not being affected, why should I be concerned about it? As far as I am not the one being discriminated against, as far as I am not the one being troubled by inefficient and corrupt people, as far as I am not the one being exploited, as far as I am not at the receiving end, as far as I am being benefited by any act, why would I be concerned about anyone else? why should I think about how much I need and how much more I have?

It's good to be self-confident and not change, but without any justification and reason for it, if people continue to perpetuate such stereotypes which are problematic just for the plain reason that it is 'natural/basic human nature to be so', I don't see the problem being solved. The world is never constant. Things change and so do people and so does the world order. If I am not at the receiving end today, I might be there tomorrow. This is the best argument I could think about to sensitize people about prevailing injustices in society as it makes a person concerned about oneself and therefore, causes unrest to the stereotypical thinking.

And the problem doesn't end just at people wanting things more than others, but to be specific, it is about the perpetually increasing want of things which are limited and are reduced by distribution, hence the usage of the term, 'worldly/material things'. If you talk about intangible abstract entities like learning, knowledge and experience, you never lose them by sharing them with people. I won't be any poorer if I share whatever knowledge I have and neither the curiosity/perpetual hunger/dissatisfaction for knowledge make me put others at any disadvantage. As soon as this hunger for knowledge/learning becomes a hunger for success, the distribution of the entity demanded for starts reducing/limiting it rather than expanding it. The glorious 'profit-motivation' might generate profit but it can't generate welfare. It's like closing your eyes when in a horrific situation and feel that everything is safe and good i.e. it's a superficial illusion.

And now, to establish some connect between the contents of this post and the title of this post (sorry to con you in reading everything aforementioned), I read this letter which Nani Palkhivala had once come across somewhere and had sent to Ratan Tata on his retirement from the Tata Group (ACC Cement to be specific). It's titled 'NEVER GROW OLD'. If it managed to depict Nani's philosophy of life and bring him to tears everytime he read it, then it definitely has to have something of worth in it. Have a look at this:

NEVER GROW OLD

Youth is not a time of life. It's a state of mind. It's a test of the will, a quality of imagination, a vigour of emotions, a predominance of courage over timidity, of appetite for adventure over love of ease.

Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years. People grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm, wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair... these are the quick equivalents of the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust.

Whether 70 or 16, there is in every being's heart, the love of wonder, the sweet amazement of the stars and the starlike things and thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for 'What next?'

You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubts, as young as your self confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair. So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power from the earth, from man and from the infinite, so long are you young.

When all the wires are down, and all the central places of your heart are covered with snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism, then, and only then, are you grown old indeed, and may God have mercy on your soul.

If we look at the sender and receiver of this letter, Nani Palkhivala and Ratan Tata, respectively, we can get the relevance of the message this piece of literature conveys. And to all those who think that I'm just a kid, well, being young is not that bad after all!

The looney is in our head

Cleanliness, personal hygiene, work, women and human relations.. few good things in life which i am very particular about.. and that's my biggest problem. It's irritating to be so particular and demanding because it ultimately fucks up your mood. I generally tend to stay away from most of these because of the same reason.. in an attempt to avoid such high expectations from even building up.. and whenever i get a new hope that such expectations aren't above my own control or that i should not let such problems arising out of being particular and being least bit of demanding (to differentiate myself from a machine) to prevent me from enjoying an accomplishment as particular and as reciprocative as i want it to be, I always end on a hopeless note.

And the cycle continues.. another chance, another hope, another attempt to be successfully particular, another effort to ignore the potential turn-offs, and ultimately another moment of despair and another vow to keep distance from the things listed right in the beginning followed by another hope and another chance..